Caroline
If you have been following this at all I ask you to please take the time to read through this as well as the link I have shared. I have stayed quiet but I feel I cannot do that anymore. I was not at vision for near as long as many of these with stories.
I moved to Georgia 3 weeks after I turned 17 and began attending the Our Generation Training Center and Vision Baptist Church. I was excited to study missions and had hoped that I would find myself on the mission field soon. I found myself a part of this “elite” group of missionaries and begun my training.
Other students would come and go and it was always talked about. Students that left just weren’t cut out for missions, would never do anything real for God and were, in a way, made an example of behind their backs.
I learned how to be a Godly wife and mother. You are not to speak out of turn, you are not to ever question, you are to take care of the kids by yourself. Yes, the kids that you both decided to bring into the world are now entirely on you to raise. Husbands are praised for having never changed a diaper. Children are to be able to sit through an entire church service well before their 2nd birthday, and you do whatever kind of discipline it takes for them to be able to do that. My health comes second to my husbands needs.
Mental health is seen as a joke. After having my second child, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and I can remember sitting in a class for the women/girls about mental health. It was taught that mental illness is a result of not praying enough, or not being in your Bible enough. I was deeply hurt I didn’t know what was wrong with me and would have my Bible on audio all day, and would read and pray almost constantly but still wasn’t able to get past how I was feeling.
Porn issues, adultery, etc within the board were all made public examples in classes in the disguise of wanting to make this their “rock bottom” to keep it from happening again and continue to send them out. There’s no reason I should know what someone was saying during private marriage counseling sessions, especially while they aren’t even in the room but sadly that’s the norm. We resigned as missionaries nearly 2 years ago and as soon as we did I started having horrible anxiety. I dealt with depression, but I refused to seek any help because I was sure that I just wasn’t reading my Bible enough. I knew that we were going to be the new examples. People stopped talking to us. We were now in the “lower class” of the church. We weren’t missionaries and we didn’t have loads of money.
A few months after resigning we decided to move to Ohio. Once we made this decision public, It seemed like any who hadn’t yet stopped talking with us now started. There were a few people who helped me pack and clean our apartment while my husband was already in Ohio and for them I am extremely grateful for that. But our pastor stopped speaking to us. His wife, who gave hugs to everyone at church, stopped coming around me and would avoid me. I felt so alone.
A few months after moving I had a stillbirth. I didn’t yet feel quite a part of our new church, I felt like outside of family I didn’t know many people. But after just moving away from a place and organization that I had spent 5 years at, got married at, had 2 kids at, shared so much with I heard next to nothing from. I had still felt in a way a part of vision. But I was so wrong.
I began to seek counseling and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and treated for insomnia as well. This was a huge turning point for me. I realized that my health is important. That my mental health is not directly related to how much I read my Bible. I was able to stop having anxiety attacks multiple times a week, I was able to better take care of my children and I was able to more fully learn about who God truly is.
I am still taking things for these 3 things. I am getting the help that I need. My trauma is real. Vision Baptist Missions is a toxic environment, especially for women. While I had not been sexually abused, I had been spiritually and emotionally abused and I have had so much healing already, after being gone for almost a year, but I still have triggers. I have distrust for organizations like this. I struggle with being able to feel comfortable enough around people to feel close to them.
But I am truly growing now. I am finally becoming someone that I would want to be around. I feel like I am becoming myself again.
PROJECTTHAILAND.NET Exposing Vision Baptist Mission’s Response to Allegations Against Austin Gardner
I love my husband with all my heart. We have gone through so much together and have always come out stronger. Since leaving VBM we have only grown closer together, and are discovering what a true partnership marriage is instead of what we were previously being taught. From the beginning of August when these allegations surfaced against Austin Gardner we have been talking about just how different our stories and experiences were, and just how much this affected how we view these allegations. I was able to share with him exactly what I had been through, and be open with what I was still experiencing because of my time there. My husband is an amazing man that I love with all my heart. Please keep in mind that he has grown and changed so much in the past year and especially the past month. He doesn’t have FB but has wanted to make a statement of some kind so here it is:
My name is Ben Thomas and I was part of the problem. Immediately after I graduated high school I began to attend the Our Generation Training Center and began to fall in love with everything about it. I loved learning about the Bible, I loved knowing I was part of something important, I was part of an elite group - the best of the best. In that environment there were two types of people: those who played the part and the “losers”. It was fun to be part of the crowd that mocked the people who couldn’t handle it and to preemptively mock those who seemed that they may not make it. As I graduated and started my work as a missionary I began to take on more toxic behaviors. I saw missionaries who had left as failures and the worst thing in my mind that could happen to someone was that they leave the ministry. My life became less about doing what God wanted me to do and more about doing what would make me look good. When I faced major sin problems in my life I cared more about how that would make me look in my ministry than I did about how my family felt or even how that influenced my walk with God. My wife and I resigned the mission board in January of 2020 it was a mutual decision, I wasn’t ready to be a missionary. We left Vision Baptist Church in September of the same year for a job I was able to get in Ohio. I want to give this summary so that you can know where I’m coming from as I say what I’m about to say.
I want to step back for a moment and reflect. I don’t want to deflect any blame that I have for the way I was. It wasn’t Vision’s fault I did the things I did, it was my fault. What I am trying to say is that I bought into this culture of toxicity and in buying into it I (whether consciously or not) perpetuated it. I was culpable in this environment that has lead to the abuse of many. I was culpable in the environment that lead to the emotional abuse of my wife. That sentence just racked me. It’s taken some time to finally admit the part I have played in it. In fact at the initial outset of the allegations of emotional and spiritual abuse I was quick to dismiss it all. I thought the narratives of the victim’s was overwrought. Allow me to remind you that one of those victims was my wife. I thought she was being, to put it bluntly, dramatic. It wasn’t until I really heard her and started examining myself that I saw that I wasn’t just there while these things happened, I allowed them to happen. I, through taking part in and allowing to happen, was guilty of the abuse too. So this is where I stand. I want to reach out to all the victims a put forward my sincerest apology. I may not have directly hurt you, you may not even know me; but I took part in and perpetuated an environment that abused you. I know that no amount of words can take away the pain that you feel. I just want you to know that your words are reaching some people. It’s a tragedy that it took so long, but the courage that you have is changing peoples minds. I want to end this by saying that some of my closest friends were and still are at Vision Baptist Missions and as antagonistic as this seems I really just want to see things get fixed.
This month is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month
I used to think that spiritual abuse was something that only occurred in obscure cults and never imagined that I would fall into a spiritually abusive environment.
I also never imagined that I would have public anxiety attacks, work through PTSD, deal with insomnia, and depression after leaving that environment.
We have been publicly put down, gaslit, and shamed. We have been used to teach a lesson to those that we once served alongside with. All by our “spiritual leaders” but the problems didn’t solely fall on them but were a part of the culture of where we were.
It is amazing to now be in a church where we can not only heal, but we can grow and learn how loving our God truly is. Our kids are excited to go to church and love it!
Spiritual abuse is real and is so much sneakier than I had previously thought.
I had a friend share these graphics and as I was reading through them I couldn’t believe how well they defined that environment.
