"Caleb" to Austin

Pastor Gardner

I am not entirely sure how to go about putting into words what I want to say to you. First of I want to just tell you that I love you. I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me that have helped shape who I am today. I am thankful for your kindness to me and my family on so many occasions. I am especially thankful to both you and your sweet wife who have opened up your home and life to me more times than I could ever begin to remember. There is probably not a day that goes by that I do not apply some of the many things you have taught me. You have filled a void in my life for over a decade now. Which brings me to a point of recognition in my life. I, like many others, crave your approval. I desire to feel important, to do something great, to be in your inner ring, to be rewarded, and to not be one of the losers that you so often warn of. I have allowed my sinful desire for man’s approval, your approval, to blind me to things in your life and leadership that deeply concern me and violate my own conscience. I have allowed this desire for “doing something great with my life” combined with the need for your approval to cause me to bounce around for the last decade. Although your presence in my life has greatly affected my decision making, I am not saying that the choices I have made are completely your fault at all. The blame is at my feet for seeking my identity in anyone other than Christ. However, there are some things that I can see clearly now that I think need to be addressed. I know that this will not be pleasant for you to read, but I believe that you are abusing your leadership with manipulative tactics fuelled by a narcissistic mentality. What I have observed and been victim to over the years is nothing short of subtle spiritual manipulation. Before I go any further, I want to say that I do not use these words lightly, and I do not use them as a put down to you simply for the sake of speaking ill of you. Rather, I truly believe that this is a fair description of what has been going on for a number of years now.

I do believe that you are a good man, you are God’s man, you are loved by Him, you love Him, you are complete in Christ, you have big dreams and a desire to see the world evangelized, and that is to be commended. But for too long I have seen this desire, these dreams that you have, be used as an excuse to walk all over people. To use people not for the sake of the gospel and God’ glory, not for the edification of the body, but seemingly as a way to fulfil your own desires without any regards to the needs and cares of the other person. You are a go-getter, and a big dreamer, and you will stop at nothing to go after what you set your mind to, and sometimes that causes you to say and do things that aren’t helpful to others around you.

Too many times I have heard you speak ill of my brothers in Christ, to belittle those who are either not just like you, or those who do not kowtow to your wishes. It seems to me that anyone who is loyal to you is a winner despite any apparent ministry success (as you would define success) and anyone who isn’t loyal to you or does things differently is deemed a loser, despite any success. The way that you patronize, demean, and belittle others is not Christ-like. I do understand that at times you are simply trying to offer a word of warning to us, but you take it too far as you set yourself as the standard. In August you were here. That was one of the most discouraging weeks of my life. For a week I poured out my heart to you in an effort to express my desire to use the life that God has given me, with the way in which He has gifted me, to use the desires He has given me, to be part of God’s mission in a way that best serves the Body of Christ and brings glory to God. But all I heard from you was “you just need to work harder, you need to change, you need to be different, you need to be Bolivar, Churchill, Paul...” – not once did you empathize with me, see me for who God has made me, and try to help me be who God has uniquely created me to be for His Glory. Rather you tried to fit me into your box, into your dreams. I even asked you point blank with Jeff sitting next to you “so do you really think that every Christian man that is not biblically unqualified should be a Pauline style church planter”, to which you responded, yes, followed by arguments that nowhere in the Bible are we told to just be lazy and not caring about missions...which was to say that those who aren’t church planters are lazy and don’t care.

When I pushed back and asked why that doesn’t then apply to guys like Jeff, Trent, and Robert, you argued that although they aren’t Pauline style missionaries, they are helping others to be. And that is fine, I agree with you. But one has to wonder what you would think of Trent if he didn’t work for you? What would your thoughts be of Trent if he did what he does now, just somewhere else? What would you think of Jeff had he come back and pastored a church, made disciples, preached faithfully the gospel, supported and sent out missionaries? What would your thoughts be of Robert if he wasn’t on your team? I think the answer to those question is clear by the many examples we have of men just like them who you belittle who are not part of your team. I don’t think we have to wonder...because who doesn’t know how you felt when Mark Coffey actually did leave you and go to the field? I have heard you speak ill of Mark Coffey on a number of occasions and use the phrase “since when did we become all about starting camps!?” as a way to put him down. I find it interesting though, that now you want to build a center for world evangelism, and to ‘be the biggest and best mission board’ that you are actively recruiting camp workers. I suppose now that that is part of your vision, starting camps is ok. All of the sudden, you are ok with all sorts of support role workers (now that the goal is to be the biggest mission board) when just as recently as Aug you told me what a waste of life that would be, which of course is what you have said to me for years. Now that it fits your vision, you want as many people to come and help you. Even in the latest brochure that is going out, reads the line “if God hasn’t called you to be a missionary....” Wait a minute, I have heard you say or at least imply many times that that kind of thinking is not biblical...that God has told us all to go, and that those who don’t are some kind of inferior Christian. You said recently in a Friday class that when you were in Peru, you wanted all kinds of workers to come and help you there. You said something to the effect of ‘but don’t think we just wanted someone to come down for a couple years and then go home to be a prostitute again’ – I had to get someone else to watch that because I could not believe what you were saying. Again just highlighting that even those you are trying to recruit are only valuable to you as long as they serve you. I even have to ask myself what do you really think about your deacons. It seems publicly you love them, but behind closed doors you act as if someone who is

‘just a deacon’ or even ‘just a pastor’, they are some kind of second rate servant of God. By this metric, you have deemed guys like my pastor, Tony Howeth, and others as losers. These men love and serve the Lord (imperfectly like us all), but again because they do not do things your way exactly, they are somehow of little to no value. There is no doubt that you are trying to help missionaries not fall into bad missionary habits, I get that. But that is no excuse for your behaviour and speech. I find it interesting and sad how ill you speak of John Pearson behind his back, yet are very happy to take his money. This is not an isolated event and there is seemingly no end to the list of names of people you have belittled. You demand loyalty without being so yourself. And you guilt those who would even dare not agree with you. I can remember on one occasion getting an email form you that stated “et tu brute” years ago simply because I agreed with someone else rather than you. I sat in that house in Aug watching our friendship with the Snodes being torn apart. You subtly tore Travis down while at the same time lifting me up. You made it out like if Travis were to just change his personality, and be a bit more like me with my outgoing nature, that the church would take off. I saw how that destroyed Teri and Sherry that week and pitted them against each other. I know you are just trying to get us to do more, to be more, to have more success, but what you are actually doing is tearing apart two families. You even told us in that very meeting that one of the ways to get people to do what you want is to cause them to compete against each other. Which is exactly what you did to us. If you can make one guy look good, you will cause the other one to want that too! You very good at defining and achieving your own goals, but are terrible at helping others see and achieve what they should be doing if it isn’t the same goal as yours or doesn’t in some way directly promote or enhance your own goal. Travis is very loyal to you, and defends your actions. I was astonished to hear Travis even speak lowly of his own brothers, which is completely out of his character to do, because they aren’t doing things exactly like you would want. I watched him nod in agreement with you when you

would tear down our good friends here. Guys that he preaches for. Guys that we pray with. Guys who are committed to the Word and prayer and faithfully serve the Lord here in a very difficult place, yet you tear them down without ever having met them. Your basis for this, one can only conclude, is that they are a threat to you and perhaps you are afraid that if we dare have friends outside of you and your circle, then your influence in and over our lives with diminish. I do not want to belabour the point. But again these events are not isolated. There is a pattern of manipulation, of causing those around you to feel guilt and shame. You cause those around you who are, like me, seeking your approval to not dare want to stray lest we be made the next example. If I could sum up what it seems like you say week in and week out it is this: Do something great, which is what I am doing, so do what I am doing. Don’t be a loser like everyone else out there who isn’t doing what I am doing. If you want to not be a loser, then stay with me. If you leave me, you will be a loser (see what happened to Scott). Of course no one wants to be a loser, so your power over people just intensifies. Now I hear that my love for God is in question. That somehow because I have had enough of the manipulation and desire to be a more healthy, Christ-like environment, that somehow that means that I must not love God, or that I must not really be committed to God’s mission. I knew that this would be the case however, because I have heard it all before. Guys like Scott and Jonathan Marks who have left and gone off the deep end only validate your warning that to leave you is tantamount to leaving the faith. I want you to know that I love God, I love His Word, I love my family, I love the church, I love being involved in missions, I love discipleship, and I love you. None of that changes. But I do not love the way you treat people and I can no longer support what you are trying to accomplish because of that. We will be leaving VBM in the coming year. I do not wish to cause any harm to you. I will leave quietly. I will not make a big fuss.

I do sincerely hope that you will consider these things so that real heart transformation can take place in your life. I do hope that you will find your identity in Christ alone. I do hope that you will be able to genuinely use your influence to help others be who God has created them to be and to leverage their lives to be part of God’s mission and not just your own. Pastor Gardner, I know that these words are hurtful to you. And I know that you could easily turn around and write many worse things about me. I am a prideful sinner who wants to be seen as someone important and that has gotten me into far more trouble in my life that I wish to admit. I do not think that I am better than you, or that my sins are less grievous to God. But you are a leader, and you have hundreds of people following you. You have great potential to help so many people, but with that comes the danger of hurting many as well. You are my brother, and I am praying for you, your family, and your ministry.

With much love, "Caleb"