Lori
"My Time at Vision and the God Who Sees"
After years of reflection and evaluation, I have come to the realization that Vision Baptist Missions and Vision Baptist Church fosters a toxic environment. This environment had a profound effect on my life and my faith.
In contrast to the biblical model of submission, the teaching at vision subtly but consistently conveyed that women were inferior to men and that our only worth was in serving and submitting to our husbands. we were taught that any form of leadership or decision-making was not appropriate for women, and that we were only to support and follow the men in our lives.
As women in this environment, we were taught that if we did not give sex every day, our husbands would look elsewhere. This teaching led to a deep sense of worthlessness and insecurity within me. I felt like I didn’t matter and that my voice didn't matter. I was constantly told that, as a woman, I was too emotional, too sensitive, and too weak to handle anything on my own.
My former pastor, Austin Gardner used his position of power and control at the church and mission board to manipulate and abuse those in his care. He weaponized scripture, employed fear and shame to keep us seeking his guidance, and made public examples of anyone who dared to question or challenge him.
The first time my husband and I attended a marriage counseling session with Austin, we had just gotten engaged and I didn't know much about him. I was struck by the strange line of questioning he used. He asked about my family dynamics and seemed to be trying to find fault and create divide between me and my family. Over time, it became clear that he wanted to be the only source of guidance and influence in our relationship. It was clear that he thought he had all the answers and expected us to turn to him for everything. The line of questioning went something like this, “Alright tell me who runs your house. Does your mom run your house? Who makes all of decisions? Who has the final say in decision making? Who does the finances?” As soon as there was a question that my mom was the answer to, he turned it around and said that since my mom (took the lead in that area), I would struggle to take the lead in our home. This proved to be completely untrue, as my husband and I have always worked well as a team with mutual love and respect for one another. I am incredibly grateful for a husband who never bought into these kinds of attitudes toward women and has always been very kind and caring towards me, yet the culture and teaching at Vision still impacted my thinking; so I can’t imagine the depth of the negative impact if he had bought into their way of thinking.
As time went on, I heard my as well as others’ personal information being shared in public settings. I quickly realized that I could not trust my church leaders with my private, deep and very sensitive matters. I felt violated and concerned that my personal struggles would be used as examples in public settings. I felt alone. Is this behavior reflective of Christ's teachings? Is this what a healthy body of Christ should look like?
The leadership team at VBM has consistently made degrading comments about women and undermined their worth in front of the entire organization. This has created a demeaning and oppressive environment that makes it difficult for women to feel valued and respected as equal image bearers of Christ. Women are often objectified and blamed for men's actions, such as lusting or viewing pornography. These discussions are frequent and public, causing unnecessary shame and discomfort for those who may be struggling with these issues and in need of support—not to mention the excuse it may unintentionally provide to men for ungodly behavior. This caused me to think about myself in unhealthy ways and I acted upon this in unhealthy ways. The harmful culture this created along with the objectification of women caused a deep struggle with my self image. I would not eat for days at a time or other times, when I did eat, would consume very little. I know at least one other woman who has been affected in this way by the culture of VBM. I believe there are more. This behavior being modeled by Vision leadership was one of shame and guilt rather than true gospel application for those struggling. I was personally in attendance at several classes and group settings where guys were forced to stand up in front of 50-60 peers and VBM leadership to confess their personal struggles with a porn addiction. This was supposedly the last resort that leadership used before they would make them take a “break” from raising support and/or ministry.
At a church event, David Gardner, Austin Gardner's son, approached my husband and me. He looked up and down my body and made inappropriate comments about my appearance and belittled my husband. I have seen and heard him do this to multiple other women. I have personally heard him attempt to torment single guys by using very descriptive and sexually inappropriate language to describe what he would be “going home to do to his wife.” Is this godly behavior? Should this behavior be accepted and tolerated from a mission organization’s leader and pastor on the mission field?
I struggled for years in this environment, trying to reconcile my faith with the harmful teachings and abusive behavior of Austin Gardner and all of the leaders who continue and perpetuate distorted teachings to this day.
After much reflection, I came to the realization that I could not continue to be a part of a church and mission board that was causing harm to myself and the people I cared about. As a parent of young children, I could not allow them to be exposed to such harmful and misleading teachings. My husband and I made the difficult decision to leave and seek out a more healthy and supportive spiritual community.
Upon our departure, I embarked on a journey to rebuild my faith based on biblical principles, free from the influence of conceited and sexist leaders. It has been a challenging and painful process, but it has also been incredibly liberating and empowering. I am grateful to be part of a healthy church community that encourages open questioning and responds with biblical guidance and offers support to those who are suffering. I have also found trust and confidentiality within this environment, where I can share my thoughts and experiences without fear of judgment or betrayal.
Today, I am grateful to be out of the toxic environment of VBM and I pray that my voice and experiences can help others who may still be trapped in this culture. I now understand the importance of being in a healthy, supportive church community that uplifts and encourages its members with sound biblical truths. I have benefited from the lessons I learned and the strength I gained from my experience, but I would never want anyone else to go through the same pain and suffering.
I find much comfort in the story of Hagar as it unveils a unique aspect of God's character, which differs greatly from the teachings at Vision. Despite being a woman seemingly insignificant in the narrative of scripture, God loved and cared for Hagar. She referred to Him as El Roi, declaring Him as “the God who sees me.” This is the only instance of this reference in the Bible. Maybe you are reading this and are still at vision, maybe you are a woman who feels unheard and unseen and all alone in the muck. God hears you. God sees you.